You Are Not The Patriarchy
This is a letter to men. (But if you know men, especially if you love men and believe in their potential, this can also be for you.)
Note: This is an original piece of writing by me, Ganga Devi Braun. However, it would not have come to life without the thought partnership of my husband, Seth Kaufmann, who has developed brilliant frameworks for dynamic masculinity from a trauma-informed, multidimensional perspective. His insights have opened my eyes to the immense compassion and potential within men and men’s work, and because of his contributions, he is listed as a collaborator on this piece.
This is a letter to men. (But if you know men, especially if you love men and believe in their potential, this can also be for you.)
For many years now, there has been an essential, often imperfect conversation about patriarchy and patriarchal systems—a conversation that is long overdue. When we don’t have language for something that’s real, something called hypocognition happens—it’s when we lack the words to articulate an experience, and therefore struggle to fully understand or address it. It’s crucial to name and recognize the things that would otherwise be hard to see. (Gratitude to my teacher Kelly Diels for giving me this language!)
Right now, patriarchy is making a massive power grab, manifesting through movements like Christian nationalism and autocratic technocracy, seeking to control everyone—especially women’s bodies—in the most vile ways. This is in full force in the powers behind the current Trump candidacy (if you don’t know who Peter Theil or Curtis Yarvin are, look them up). Patriarchy is also present in the violent war machine, and it manifests differently across cultures: in the United States, it shows up in ways that are harmful and pervasive, for example in places like Iran and Afghanistan, it takes the form of gender apartheid with devastating consequences.
I want to be very clear: these are the waters we’re all swimming in, and we’re all wet. Patriarchy is a system that lives through all of us. Some are more oppressed than others, suffering different forms of violence and control. But it is violent and controlling toward everyone, including those who “benefit” from it. Let’s be honest, in the truest sense no one benefits from a system that suppresses and controls freedom, including and especially the freedom to feel. However, and this is crucial—it’s not who we are. These patterns might show up in our lives, but they don’t define us. We all have choices. You have choices.
What if, instead of viewing patriarchy as a machine that controls everything or a poison inside all men, we took a different approach? What if we saw it through the lens of living systems? Imagine liberating yourself from patriarchal patterning with a mindset that recognizes the natural processes of entropy and syntropy—letting old, harmful patterns die and making space for new, healthier ones.
Take a moment to connect with your breath. Feel the in-breath, an act of gathering energy, up-regulating your nervous system—this is syntropy, forces coming together. Now feel the exhale, the release, downregulating—this is entropy, letting go. Your body already knows this dance of life. By bringing these unconscious processes into consciousness, you can learn to engage them intentionally, transforming not only yourself but the world around you.
Buckminster Fuller said, “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.” Think of this as our challenge. We can create new ways of being that make the old ways—those that limit and harm us—obsolete.
I’ve seen this transformation in men I know and work with, including my husband and my clients. These men are devoted to their families and to being a genuine force of goodness in the world. They are committed to unlearning and repatterning the dynamics of patriarchy. This message is for you, for all men on this journey. Change is possible when you embrace the rhythm of release and repatterning.
A Multidimensional View
Let’s talk about how patriarchy shows up in three key dimensions: institutional (which can also be viewed through an intergenerational lens), interpersonal, and internal. These layers help us understand the ways patriarchal patterns manifest and how deeply they can run through every aspect of life.
1. Institutional (Intergenerational) Dimension
At the institutional level, patriarchy is embedded in the systems and structures that shape our societies, such as laws, educational practices, economic policies, and cultural norms. These systems perpetuate gender inequalities and often place men in positions of power as the default while marginalizing everyone else. Patriarchy is passed down through generations, teaching each one to follow the same patterns, whether through direct indoctrination or the subtle reinforcement of “traditional” roles. This is the intergenerational aspect—how the norms and behaviors tied to patriarchy are inherited and normalized over time, creating a cycle that can seem impossible to break.
2. Interpersonal Dimension
On an interpersonal level, patriarchy manifests in our relationships with others. It shows up in the dynamics of power and control, often dictating how you interact, how you communicate, and certainly how you love. It can lead to dominance in relationships, expectations of emotional stoicism, or assumptions about gender roles in households and workplaces. These patterns affect your friendships, romantic partnerships, and family dynamics, often causing harm and perpetuating a lack of genuine connection and empathy.
3. Internal Dimension
Internally, patriarchy manifests in how we view ourselves and our roles in the world. It’s in the inner critic that tells men you must be strong, unemotional, and always in control. It’s the guilt or shame men might feel for not living up to these impossible standards. It’s the suppression of emotions and the fear of vulnerability that keeps many men from fully expressing yourselves. These internalized beliefs can be some of the hardest to recognize and unlearn because they feel so personal and ingrained.
Understanding these three dimensions of patriarchy helps us see that while these patterns are pervasive, they are not immutable. They are not who you are—they are simply learned behaviors and systems that we can choose to change.
Entropy and Syntropy
Think of entropy and syntropy as two natural forces that are always at play in life. Entropy is about breaking down—letting go of the parts of yourself that don’t fit anymore, the old beliefs and behaviors that are ready to die. It’s like the forest in autumn, shedding what’s no longer needed to make way for new growth.
Syntropy, on the other hand, is about creation. It’s the energy that brings new life from the old, that transforms decay into fertile ground for something fresh and vibrant. In your life, syntropy is about choosing to embody new values and ways of being that align more closely with who you truly want to be.
This is the rhythm of life, and it’s already happening in you with every breath you take: the in-breath gathers, the out-breath releases. When you tune into this natural cycle, you can apply it to your personal growth, learning to let go of what holds you back and embrace what moves you forward.
Repatterning
Each of us has a responsibility to look closely at how the systems we live within show up in our lives. This includes recognizing the patterns we’ve inherited from institutions, the intergenerational dynamics passed down from our ancestors, and the culture we were raised in. These influences can be hard to see, especially when we’re still immersed in them. It’s often much easier to notice the flaws in other cultures and people than to see them in ourselves.
But here’s the thing: even in the areas where we feel we lack privilege or think we’re not part of the problem, there’s often deeper work to do. It’s humbling to realize this—I think about how many white women supported Donald Trump in 2016, even though he’s been incredibly clear about the kind of man he is, the way he treats women, and the policies that have unfolded, drastically and devastatingly reducing the civil liberties of so many people across this country. It reminds me that no one is exempt from this work. We all have repatterning to do.
Your journey is unique. You are shaped by countless choices, stories, and ancestors, each influencing who you are today. This complexity can’t be distilled into simple categories based on gender, race, or demographics although all of these things intersect and shape who we are. You are so much more than that. You deserve an approach to repatterning that is as unique and dynamic as you are.
In my work, I’ve found that what really matters is diving deep with each individual person—understanding the unique nuances of your ancestry, your childhood, and the experiences that have shaped you. This gives us rich, clear material to work with, so we can approach the repatterning process honestly and courageously. It’s about creating a space where you can let go of old patterns that don’t serve you and embrace new ones that align with who you truly want to be.
Repatterning isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. It’s about finding your rhythm—composting the old patterns that hold you back and nurturing the new ones that help you grow. Every breath you take is a reminder of this process. Every decision you make to embrace or release is an opportunity to repattern your life. By doing this work, you not only transform yourself, but you also contribute to a broader transformation in the world.
The Challenges of Change
As you begin this work, you might find that within the institutions you belong to, the relationships you have, and even within your own inner narrative, you come up against resistance to change. These familiar patterns often represent places where you’ve found safety, identity, and belonging in the past. It’s natural to feel a pull to stay within these comfort zones, even when you know they no longer serve your growth or align with who you want to become.
This is why it’s so important to approach this work with compassion and not to do it alone. When you’re lovingly held and witnessed in your transformation, the process of repatterning can deepen. Accountability is crucial here—not in a punitive or judgmental way, but as a commitment to your higher self, to the person you are becoming.
Sometimes, this accountability is hard to maintain within the confines of your existing relationships. Even those closest to you, like a spouse, might resist your changes, not because they don’t want you to grow, but because they are accustomed to the way things have been. They may not even love all the patterns, but they’re familiar with them, and familiarity can feel like safety.
This is why having support and guidance outside of your daily existence is so essential for doing this kind of repatterning work. It provides a space where you can be truly seen, where your transformation is encouraged and nurtured. When you have a safe environment to explore these changes, you can start to let go of the old patterns that no longer serve you and embrace the new ones that do.
Regenerative change isn’t about perfection; it’s about potential. You might encounter setbacks or find yourself slipping into old habits, and that’s okay. What matters is your commitment to keep moving forward, to be gentle with yourself when things don’t go perfectly, and to stay open to the journey. This work is about creating a life that feels aligned with your true, whole, authentic self, a life where you can thrive in all your relationships and within yourself. From that place, new futures, new worlds are made possible.
Creating New Models of Masculinity
I want to genuinely ask you: What does a repatterned masculinity look like to you? What does a dynamic masculinity feel like? What does it mean for masculinity to be responsive, caring, and present? We often talk about toxic masculinity and can easily identify its traits—dominance, suppression, emotional unavailability. But what about the masculinity we want to see in the world? What does that look like for you?
Let’s take a moment to really get clear on this. If we don’t have the language for something, it’s hard to fully grasp its potential. This is where hypocognition comes into play again: when we lack the words to articulate an experience, we struggle to recognize it as real. The potential for a healthy, dynamic masculinity is real, but we have to make it so. We have to be committed to it.
Imagine a masculinity that embraces vulnerability as strength, that finds power in empathy, and leadership in service. A masculinity that values collaboration over competition, that nurtures relationships instead of dominating them. This is the kind of masculinity that aligns with the principles of syntropy and entropy—letting go of what no longer serves us and actively cultivating what does.
This isn’t just about redefining masculinity; it’s about reshaping humanity as a whole. By choosing to repattern yourself, you’re helping to create a world where everyone can thrive. You’re not just building a different model; you’re building a better one, one that honors the interconnectedness of all living systems and reflects the best of who we can be.
So, what kind of man do you want to be? What kind of world do you want to help create? These are the questions we must ask ourselves, and we must be willing to do the work to find the answers. The change starts with you, with each of us, embracing the rhythm of release and repatterning, and committing to a masculinity that is as dynamic, compassionate, and authentic as we are capable of becoming.
Participating in Evolution
You are here because of billions of years of evolution, and every choice you make is part of that ongoing dance of life. As a species, we live within and have created systems and patterns that shape our world, but we are not bound by them. All living systems are interconnected, and the changes you make in your life have the power to ripple out in ways you might never fully understand.
I’m inviting you to recognize the power you have to influence these patterns. By choosing to let go of what no longer serves you and embracing what does, you’re not just changing yourself—you’re contributing to the evolution of humanity and the planet. The potential for a healthy, dynamic masculinity is real, but it requires each of us to commit to creating it. We have to be willing to let go of the old and nurture the new, to envision and embody the kind of masculinity that is caring, responsive, and present.
 | A guest post by
|