What I've Been Learning
Moving through collective and ancestral pain, touching possible futures.
I’ve come here so many times in the last few months to write something.
But everything that came out of me felt too raw, too private, too much my own processing of the collective trauma that is still unfolding half a world away and yet in the bodies of so many, everywhere around the world.
I entered the autumn of 2023 with a focus on working with my physical, emotional, and ancestral selves to heal some deeply rooted sexual, reproductive, and ancestral trauma. Doing this deep inner work in the midst of this war filled with sexual, reproductive, and ancestral horrors for everyone involved is something that I simply don’t have words for, and it may be some time before I do have the ability to speak about this. But I can share a little bit with you now about some things I’ve been learning, and the ways I am understanding myself and my work within this context.
I have learned, in a new way, what it means to be a mother. To bear the news and the images and the stories and the names of so many children and mothers going through unspeakable horrors and then to go to my own small child and hold him gently, tenderly, to kiss him, and to breathe.
I have learned, in a new way, what it means to be a Jewish mother. To witness atrocities targeting babies like mine, to know how easily one pogrom has sparked another and another throughout history. To know that people love dead Jews more than they are ever willing to protect the living. To learn the prayers of grief and protection that Jewish people have had to recite far too many times throughout thousands of years of violence and persecution.
I have learned, in a new way, what it means to live with a heart broken so open there’s room for everyone. To bear witness to the pain and grief and sorrow of Palestinian and Israeli children, and mothers, and grandparents, and feel the ache of my arms wanting to reach all the way around the world to protect, to shield, to soothe, to say, “I care, I care so deeply, I see you and I care, and I don’t want to make anything worse for you, I want to make it better, I want safety and dignity and healing for you and for everyone and for generations to come.”
I have learned, in a new way, what it means to be myself. To check in with my values, my integrity, my ancestors, and the ancestors of the family I now carry the lineage of, and ask myself how can I best show up in this moment?
Many of my actions during this time have been private. They’ve been in the sphere and the range that I am capable of right now. Perhaps one day I’ll tell those stories.
Just before October 7th, Seth and I were working on distilling some of the most essential and impactful elements of the work he does with his clients into bite-sized, simple formats to help democratize and make accessible the powerful transformative work he and I both do, which many people don’t have the time or money to engage in fully. This is work we believe in, work we see effecting remarkable change in peoples’ lives, and work we are excited to get out into the world.
But you cannot create while in a frozen response, and it’s damn hard to market anything while feeling generations of ancestral grief move through the body.
So it’s been slow going, but this week we’ve been able to see it with fresh eyes. We’ve been able to see how what we’ve created is in fact what so many people need right now. The mini-course we’ve been creating is called The V’s, which are Values, Visions, Vices, Virtue, and another bonus V: Valor (courage and dignity). Here’s how they play out:
In the fog of war, in the disorientation of misinformation, in the midst of emotional flooding, we need a stable core. That comes from knowing the core values that motivate us.
When it comes to a conflict that is, in many ways, intractable, with the possibility of a just peace seemingly impossible, those of us who have the privilege to be able to cultivate a shared vision for a different future have the responsibility to do so, and to work to make that vision as loving and as real as possible. (One of my own core values is humility, and I have been doing my best to practice humility by learning from people who are cultivating a clear and lucid vision for the future of Israel and Palestine that would provide dignity, statehood, and self determination for all. Learn more about A Land For All and their vision here.)
It is so easy during times like these for us to fall into the patterns of numbness, of self-destruction, dissociating from our bodies. These are the vices which, when we are aware of them, we can wholly shift our relationship with; not denying or judging them, but integrating them into our lives in a conscious and less destructive way. What vices have you turned to recently? Have they brought up shame or made you feel distrust with yourself? I want us all to know that vices are human, and we can have a healthier relationship with them when we look at them clearly and release our shame.
When we do all of these things, we come closer to living a life of virtue, not the virtues assigned by a culture of moral purity, but virtues that come from deeply within us, which we enact with humility and integrity every day. Virtues that require deep courage, which brings us to our final, secret V: valor, which makes it all possible.
As Dr. Maya Angelou said, "courage is the most important of all the virtues because, without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently."
It is clarity about how these elements inform not just our personal development but the collective healing, support, and growth that is so needed now that has been carrying me through this incredibly painful time.
Years ago when I first was trained in Restorative Justice circling with Dr. Mara Schiff, I was amazed at the stories I heard of healing and reconciliation after horrific experiences of violence, pain, grief, and betrayal. Bringing people together to sit in a circle may sound easy, but it takes long hard preparatory work. Each person in the circle must do a lot of their own inner work to be willing and able to sit down with someone who has harmed them deeply, or whom they have harmed deeply.
But it’s possible. And the thing that those circles most often begin with is a clear statement from each participant of their values. This provides a foundation of self awareness and a touchstone to return to when things get rocky. It also creates a way for us to see one another a little deeper, a little bit more whole.
As we try do our best to navigate this impossible time in our collective history, may we know ourselves deeply enough to live each day with a rooted foundation, a heart cracked wide open, and a vision oriented toward the best possible future for all life.
And if you want to join us in the simple, deep, personal work we’ve laid out to make this level of self-knowledge real and practical and actionable in your life moving forward, you can learn more here-