3 Years, 6 Lessons
The most important things we prioritize in our marriage.
When we got married, we felt pretty damn solid in our partnership. I feel like that’s a baseline for marriage, and I hope and pray that everyone feels that way when they get married. But looking back on the last three years, there are some things that have become so clear to us as requirements in our relationship that we’ve systematized them into our life’s rhythms and patterns.
Here are the top 6, interspersed with pictures from our amazing wedding, which was nothing and everything like what we’d planned:
Courageously and creatively play with future timelines. Regularly.
One of the biggest challenges in marriage is aligning your visions for the future. It's easy to get stuck in your own individual goals and forget to dream together. We've found that regularly setting aside time to explore our different visions of the future, no matter how improbable they may seem, has helped us stay connected and inspired.
One key thing here is that what we used to do was flesh out our shared vision for the future. We approached it as a single, solid timeline that we were teamworking our way to. That’s powerful. It’s good. I think it’s necessary to go places, to an extent.
But the real magic came when we began courageously sharing visions that we have that didn’t actually immediately mesh well with what we were directly working toward. We create space for one another to share ideas without stressing out or feeling betrayed or wondering how it will all fit into our life.
We approach this with curiosity and creativity, which allows us to play with different scenarios and come up with new ideas together.
Systematizing it: We’ve systematized this to the point that we have a key phrase that puts us into this open minded creative space, takes away all doubts or “realistic” filters, and allows us to celebrate and play in the space of one anothers’ imagination. It’s amazing, and we’re planning to make it a book, a game, a meme, and a party to bring the framework we’ve developed around this to others. But you don’t need all that to get started. Just say to people you love, “I have this thought, I want to share it, we don’t need to take it too seriously, but let’s play with the idea for a little bit.” See where it goes!
Every challenge teaches us something. Commit to learning those lessons together with humility and curiosity.
Life is rarely easy, and challenges will inevitably arise. However, we approach every challenge with a deep trust that it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
The first time we learned this in our marriage was actually the weeks before the wedding. The early days of COVID hitting North America were overwhelming and required us to change our wedding plans dramatically every day leading up to the wedding itself. Over a hundred people had to cancel their plans and we lost some money on deposits. But it wasn’t nearly as stressful as it could have been.
Why?
Seth was the wisdom leader on this one. He just kept saying the phrase, “we just have to flow with it, we just have to surrender to what it is” to himself and to me. We both chose to love this time and this experience despite fears, anger, frustration, disappointment, overwhelm. We met each day with a deep breath and opened ourselves up to the magic of the thing that was most important: we were about to cross a ritual threshold that would change our lives forever. And we did. So joyfully. And we anchored a pattern of radical presence with what is- regardless of how scary and overwhelming, that has allowed us to breathe and problem solve so well so many other times.
By committing to learning those lessons together, we deepen our connection and understanding of each other. We approach these challenges with humility and curiosity, seeking to understand each other's perspectives and find solutions that work for both of us.
Systematizing it: We tell one another stories of how we learned and grew from one another in specific moments of challenge. By holding those stories and reminding one another of them, we deepen the lesson each time. We also deepen our respect for one another. All of this fosters gratitude and confidence that we can continue to grow and learn through whatever life presents us.
You will never regret prioritizing ritual, or time in nature.
In our fast-paced world, it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and forget to slow down and connect with each other and nature. We've found that prioritizing ritual, whether it's a simple shabbat evening series of prayers or a morning practice of cards and cacao, ritual has helped us stay grounded and connected.
Similarly, spending time in nature has been a source of joy and inspiration for us. Whether it's taking a walk around the neighborhood or swimming in the ocean, being in nature reminds us of the beauty and interconnectedness of life.
Systematizing it: Making rhythms in our life outside of capitalism is essential to the quality of our connection. Shabbat night and morning rituals as mentioned above have been so powerful, and we’re beginning to schedule monthly time in the ocean as a family ritual, probably aligned with the moon cycle. Making these rituals align with a specific rhythm also helps us to feel used to doing them enough that we can jump into them spontaneously. For example, as I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I want to make cacao and pull tarot cards to drop into the magic and power of Passover which begins tonight. As soon as I finish this, I’ll go boil that water!
Ask the family astrologer for guidance on the big things and be specific about what you want out of them. Follow their guidance and your life will be pure magic.
While not everyone has a family astrologer, we've found that seeking guidance from someone who understands the specifics of electional astrology (finding a specific time to do something) has made a massive positive impact on our lives. By being specific about what we want and following their guidance, we've been able to manifest some truly magical experiences, from the perfect timing to move into our last apartment to the timing of the conception of our incredible child.
The specific time of the vows of our wedding itself was determined by our astrologer, which created a temporal anchor that stabilized our focus in the chaos of the COVID stress swirling around and through us. It was 10:30am on Sunday, March 29th 2020. We had a thorough 10 page description of exactly what we could expect in a marriage that happened at that time and place, and it’s genuinely spooky how accurate the whole thing was. Things we could have never anticipated have come to pass, all predicted by our guy David Goldstein.
Systematizing it: Getting the best astrological guidance means planning for it financially. We use this app Qapital to passively build up funds for things we want to prioritize that aren’t daily expenses. This isn’t an ad for them or anything, but Qapital has genuinely changed everything about how we deal with our finances. You link your bank and then make simple rules for funds you create that build up over time. I both save and invest with them and it’s made my finances so organized and fun to play with! Again, not an ad, but if you use this link to sign up for Qapital you and I will both get $25 deposited into our accounts.
Bring Thais Aquino into every big life moment, yes for her art, but for her magic and her heart even more.
Thais wasn’t going to be our wedding photographer; she was going to be one of my bridesmaids. I wanted her to enjoy the day, not to have to work, and we’d booked great wedding photographers I knew from college for the big day. But with the covid chaos, it made sense for them to come home. Also with the covid chaos, it made sense for Thais to get the hell out of NYC and come be with us for the wedding and as long as necessary. Words can’t express how glad I am that she came.
The magic of her eye and her presence is incalculable in our lives, and the way she helped us to see the magic in every moment of those scary days told me that she was the exact person I wanted to have with me when I gave birth and went through postpartum. Seth and I plan to shoot with her regularly to make sacred art of our lives, for the rest of our lives. And right now as I reimagine my career as a mother, we’re planning on traveling to her to create some expansive brand imagery to help to articulate the feeling of what I do with others. She knows best, because I’ve inadvertently changed her life multiple times just by loving her and seeing what I believe is possible for her, combined with her own genius and follow-through.
Systematizing it: We also have a Qapital fund dedicated to Thais, where we save up for her services so that when inspiration strikes we’re prepared to work with her. Preparation also requires vision, courage, and creativity to know what experience we want in the shoot, and what images we want it to produce. We’re often saving reference images, making pinterest boards, and talking through what nebulous experience we’re trying to convey, so that we can translate it to Thais as clearly as possible the next time we’re with her.
Express gratitude multiple times a day, every day.
Finally, we've learned that expressing gratitude is a powerful practice that helps us stay present and appreciate the blessings in our lives. We make a point of expressing gratitude to each other multiple times a day, whether it's for something small like making dinner or something big like supporting each other through a difficult emotional process.
Systematizing it: We take care of one another because our life is set up with distributed labor, so even when there’s tension between us, we recognize what the other does for us. We make eye contact and say thank you, specifically, for what we are grateful for. This creates connection and care regardless of any lingering sticky feelings. It allows us to recover from tense moments quickly and regularly. It reminds us of our love.
Every single one of these things are relevant and useful to every relationship- doesn’t have to be a marriage, doesn’t have to be romantic, can even be your relationship with yourself.
It’s been helpful to us to write this, and I hope it’s helpful for you to read! I’d love to hear from you about how any of this applies to your life, things you practice in your relationships, or insights that you might have to go deeper!
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Love these lessons. The sharing of timelines and visions of the future is so fun and important.